I just wanted to be loved a little louder. A small town girl, mentally ill, big looser in life. Broken into tiny pieces, yes, that’s me, that’s my story
Stories connect ..
Stories inspire ..
Stories make us ..
Stories set us free ..
Let me take you through a walk. Just for a while be at peace, forget everything. Life and it’s ways, the pain areas .. the journey that’s yours. Let’s be here absorbing the things said and the unsaid and who knows, it might wake up a part of the soul that’s there somewhere deep inside but we all let it sleep inside. Let’s walk together.
It needs guts to be gutsy. Living in a society where mental illness is treated as some taboo, a negative perception people built it up as. The major part of a society is made up of conservative bones. Would not omit pieces of mine. Want you to know that all is not lost. Let’s learn to give life a chance, give yourself a chance and simultaneously there would be some people – the empathic souls who would always be there for genuine authentic souls who need help. We would create a universe for ourselves. A community where you can connect and pour all that you want to. Without the fear to be judged and labeled.
We all are human and only human touch can help heal the pain and can pull you out from a deep rut. The sunshine is always there, it is we who end up closing all doors and don’t let it creep inside: it is as simple as that.
My Dad suffered from schizophrenia. It was his journey, 10 years of being in pain and unfortunately I was not a great daughter, I was human and made errors of judgment. I used to be filled with hatred for him as I always carried a grudge that he was the cause of misery in our lives. Thought it was his attention seeking streak. An insensitive creature I was and that realisation was more painful for me especially when I myself had go through a phase of deep depression. It was so difficult to even get up out of bed, to look after myself leave alone my family- my Husband and two most wonderful kids that I had.
There was this wild urge to just go missing. So many times I thought what if I could just end these miseries and leave for another world. How would life be after death? Would it be less dreary than life here? I had stopped interacting with people, not even with immediately family. Nobody could reach me then. It used to be just me and the ceiling. God knows for how many hours I would just stare aimlessly and be lost in a world of my own. Life was a black hole which sucked in all my joys. Felt totally numb. What did stand out was my past failures. I forgot that I was an amazing soul too. I forgot I was the daughter of the most wonderful and inspirational soul! I forgot I had a soul mate in my brother, the way Vijay Sir, I saw you and your sister Tejal.. The very same way the chemistry is between me and my own brother Prateek. We are one soul in two different bodies. He used to know everything without even uttering a word. Yet, l never allowed him to help pull me out of my endless dark pit.
God has His way of sending blessings. I had wonderful friends and one of the best people in this world were around me, still nothing helped at all! There used to people who prayed for me. The Friday Prayers to Sunday’s Prayers were all happening for me. How right it is that
‘It is only you who would have to help yourself, no one can do it for you’. The universe would then conspire and send you the right kind of force to help you sail through, no matter how big the challenge. Just that for once you would have to gather yourself together, draw all energy from within and declare to yourself:
“No matter what, I have it in me to stand tall and stand apart”
And as a part of the universe’s conspiracy, I somehow landed to Bipolar India’s website and got connected with Vijay Nallawala on Facebook– yes that’s a conspiracy! As for last 7 years I had the account on Facebook and never ever operated it as I was a complete workaholic with nothing to do with social media and networking. Life just revolved around being a Professional first and then the immediate circle of family came that too was just restricted to three of them and my army of maids.
Once I got in touch with Vijay Sir, there was no looking back. I started reading his blogs. I started going through the various comments from various people around the globe and that kind of woke me up from deep inside and it dawned upon me that there are so many of us suffering and kind of felt ‘good’ about it, because I was not alone anymore. There were many of us and some of them were brave enough to talk about it. It was one particular lady from Pune who had her husband suffering from Bipolar for last 10 yrs and that took me back to my own people. My husband who would hold my hands and would ask me the reasons for these tears .. Would want nothing other than smiles for me. And there weren’t any smiles then.
Would be indebted to Mr. Nallawala for helping not only me but saving the lives of my people. My family! It’s never just the individual who suffers alone, it’s the immediate family that’s ends up suffering. And indeed his writings and book, A Bipolar’s Journey- From Torment to Fulfillment, filled my own life with hope and light. Now, I start my own journey wherein I move ahead and I would never allow this dark phase of my life to stop me in my strides. I shall strive to rise and shine won’t ever shield my own inner brilliance.
They might say, “Oh, can’t you see that she seeks glory”,
I would be driven by the authentic me and would be scripting my own story. For my life is my own choice. This one would seek to see the good in bad and would create such energies that it would just spread nothing but fragrance and would go about touching millions of lives.
Because, this one knows that mental illness is worse than physical illness.
That pain of mind is worse than any pain in the body.
A university topper, DAVV Gold Medalist
Now a Financial Professional and Mentor.
Always was full of confidence but life had tested me severely with borderline bipolar and I suffered for three long years. June 2013 was when it all started. Please surround yourself with people with whom your energy increases and who are good for your own mental health.
Those with anxiety are not rude
Those with depression are not lazy
Those with suicidal attacks are not attention seekers
Those with mental trauma are not crazy
Have a heart to change others’ hearts. You need to live not just for yourself but for people who might need you.
So get up and look ahead, for there is always sunshine after rain.
(Redrafted and Edited by Vijay Nallawala)